What are the best jokes you've ever heard?

any jokes? also, anything thats like...."fun things to do in an elevator, or a pool"...things like that please enter the type of joke before posting the joke...for example

-bonde joke

*begin joke*

What are the best jokes you've ever heard?-Myspace pictures

Random Jokes

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your **** dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

What are the best jokes you've ever heard?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

the logic of the catholoic church
yo mama jokes
You posting a question!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.........................................

Man , i need help, can't stop laughing!!!
2 cannibals were eating a clown. One looked at the other and asked "Does this taste funny to you?"!!!

2 fish were swimming through a river when all of a sudden they hit a wall. One looked at the other and yelled "Dam!"!!!
one day this old man and woman were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. they went to the restaurant where they had their first date. they were talking about the past, and how they had sex out back leaning on the fence. so, after dinner they decided to relive the past and go have sex out back. this policeman was watching the whole thing. they were flopping,and flipping, and i mean really getting down with it. after-wards the policeman took them both in. the policeman said "old man i just have to ask you, how in the world can you have sex like that at your age?" the old man said "50yrs ago that fence wasn't electric!?
*Just some jokes*

Dear Billy Bob,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read the paper that most accidents happen within 20mi. from home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off put them in the pockets.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in pickup. One of them survived, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, pls let me know and i will send another one.

Love, Ma
Old people joke

An old man sitting in the park on a bench is stoping passers by and asking, "Do you know how old I am?"; "Do you know how old I am?". First he asks a young woman and she says "I have no idea; How old are you?" He says, "I'm 99 and a half years old".

"well congratulations sir" she says and passes by. Next comes a man. "Do you know how old I am?" he asks. "Well, sir, I have no idea." says the man. "How old are you?" The old man syas proudly, "I'm 99 and a half years old!". "Congratulations says the man and he passes by. Well this goes on for a time and finally an old woman is passing by and again the old man asks, "Do you know how old I am?", but the little old lady walks over to him sticks her hand down the front of his pants and feels around for a bit, then says, "You're 99 and a half years old!". Stunned the old man asks, "How did you know?".

The little old woman replies, "I heard you tell that guy that just walked past.

C'Mon! That's funny!
'there is only one thing that is worse than being blind,

and that is being black.'

Stevie Wonder: London Arena, may 1997
A baby Harp seal walks into a club. Freaking tragedy.

---------------

A man goes into a whorehouse and asks for the worst looking and worst lay in the house. The madam tells him it is a respectable house and they only have good looking women skilled in the art of sex. He demands again, the worst looking woman who's the worst in bed. The madam asks him why in the world he would want that? He responds, "Because I'm homesick, not horny."
green joke

genie grants man 1 wish "what would it be? watch what you wish for... for you just might get it" -- the man says "i want to be in between cindy crawford's legs" genie asks "are you sure about this?" guy says "yes! im very sure! there's no place i want to be in right now, but between cindy crawford's legs!!!" genie says "very well... [closes his eyes to grant his wish] by the power invested in me, you are now a tampon!"

hehe...
ELEVATOR JOKES

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other

passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

==============================...

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1.) Take the Powder and apply it to your @$$

2.) Rinse

3.) and wait

(4.) For best result take a dump outside and THEN use the "Stinkt Be gone" powder

Remember, its very limited so call now!! at 1-800-butt-stink

or go to www.stinkbutt.com

I can't take jokes about race funny....?

Everyone says jokes about race but I think no jokes about race are funny. I can't lough. But everyone loughs so it's like I'm the person who has the problem. Someone who said the jokes said "i dont see where is the problem, as long as its a joke".

How can I take it funny?

Or people really shouldn't say the jokes? but they do...

I can't take jokes about race funny....?-Myspace pictures

i think they are funny if they are not crude i dont like jokes with swearing but a good joke about somebody race, culture, gender or sexuality makes me chuckle.

"life is too important to take seriously"

I can't take jokes about race funny....?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

get a sense of humor. there's jokes about all races, and while not all of them are funny, alot of them are good for a laugh. don't take things so seriously.
whats funny is funny.
You inability to laugh at racial jokes about your race shows an insecurity problem within yourself. Your inability to laugh at jokes about other races shows the same problem.

Would replacing black/white with "stupid guy" help the joke? If so you have issues you need to deal with.

ie: How do you drown a stupid person? if you can laugh at that you have insecurity issues mixed with self esteem issues and probably a little racial prejudice.
Racial jokes are not always funny. And it depends on who is telling them. If you are telling a joke about your own race then its ok.
Your right racial jokes aren't funny, your friends are being insensitive, they should learn to respect others.

HELP ABOUT dumb blonde JOKES...?

HELP ABOUT dumb blonde JOKES...?

I was wondering if someone could give the ratio of dumb blonde jokes vs. other jokes. or the percentage of dumb blond jokes in comparison to other jokes.

If you could also give me the web site of that, for proof. PLEASE!!! thank you all very much and God Bless!!! = )

HELP ABOUT dumb blonde JOKES...?-Myspace pictures

ok i would say that 9 out of 10 jokes are about dumb blondes

HELP ABOUT dumb blonde JOKES...?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

What are the funniest jokes you've ever heard?

Ok, this is a repost, but i think im allowed cause i feel like i need a few laughs before bed. I dont mean little knock-knock ones, but story kinda ones.

10 points to the best joke :D

blonde jokes - funny as :D

racist jokes - im not racist, but i dont mind them. if they are stepping over the line a little, dont post them.

knock-knock jokes: not funny. its even more unfunny when people try to be funny by posting them after i specifically asked them not to, and especially after they read this.

'what do you get if you cross...' jokes: no. they arent funny. at all.

please send as many as possible

p.s. riddles are fine too, but as long as you send the answer too

xx

What are the funniest jokes you've ever heard?-Myspace pictures

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped upand shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

all my friends started crackin up and soda came outa there noses and mouthes ,they were lafin so hard

What are the funniest jokes you've ever heard?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

My favorite is just wrong, but here it is.

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his d*ck.
lol your joke was the best not the d*ck one but the sunday school
why are baskbetball players so tall?

because their knee grows!

Yo momma jokes and little jonny jokes.?

I need some yo momma jokes and little johnny jokes. Person to tell me the best joke gets 10 points. Thanks

Yo momma jokes and little jonny jokes.?-Myspace pictures

Little Johny Jokes

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."

The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"

Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "****" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a *****" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "******'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a *****, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs ******'".

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *******".

A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag

She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.

Then he says now let me give you one.

He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.

The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.

Little Johnny says no it's a quater but I like the way you're thinking.

Yom Momma Jokes

Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!

Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, "STOP THAT TWINKIE!! "

Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd played skip, at the radio station!!!

Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!"

Yo momma fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Yo momma is so fat her waist size is equator!

Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell!

Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family.

Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!

Yo momma so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ole *** over!

Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.

Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued."

Yo momma so fat her nickname is, "DAY-UM!"

Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo momma so fat we're in her right now.

Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.

Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.

Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her...

Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.

Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling, "Free Willy!"

Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!

Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!"

Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!"

Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.

Yo momma so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway.

Yo momma so fat I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her!

Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.

Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.

Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.

Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear, "Caution! Wide Turn."

Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read, "One at a time, please."

Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!

Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!

Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo momma so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...

Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo momma so fat , her legs are like spoiled milk - white %26amp; chunky!

Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the *****'s good side!

Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.

Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!

Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ***, she has to make two trips!

Yo momma so fat her belly button's got an echo.

Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock.

Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!

Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

Yo momma so fat her blood type is ragu.

Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whoelband skips!

Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.

Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.

Yo momma so fat when the ***** goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo momma so fat that she can't tie her own shoes.

Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo momma so fat she can't reach her back pocket.

Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn-X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!

Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth.

Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.

Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo momma so fat she uses I-95 for a Slip 'n Slide.

Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!

Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship.

Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 757 caught in her teeth.

Yo momma so fat to her, "light food," means under 4 Tons!

Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!

Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!

Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development.

Yo momma so fat she won, "Miss Bessie the Cow 94."

Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans.

Yo momma jokes and little jonny jokes.?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

well, it's not yo mamma or little johnny but I guess I could share it to you....

These past minutes when I downloaded a music video and open it up,,, it is a porn video and there are no signs that it is a porn, just the name of the music video and video full of porns!!! I'm a like "WTF???"

Then after that, I go to youtube.com and watch the music video when they show a link (on the video) , sexy-videos-google.com and the video is a girl who almost expose her body,,, I'm like "Youtube showin porns???" and my face was like "double WTF???" thinking that this day is "******** porn day"!!!!!

well, I think it is somehow hilarious.

Any good Jokes????

Ill take anything that will make me fall out of my seat laughing!

blond jokes, dirty jokes, little johnny jokes, yo momma jokes, anything! Best gets My vote w00t!

~Kim on Jazzys acc

Any good Jokes????-Myspace pictures

yo momma so ugly when she tried out for the ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals,"

yo momma so stupid they asked her whats her education and she replied, "Hooked on Phonics"

yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in The Mist" in her shower.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?

A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?

A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?

A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A: They can't remember the number.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: "What's a lightbulb?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaaddy!"

Q: How do you get rid of blondes?

A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?

A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?

A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Any good Jokes????

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

I have one... You could ask someone you don't like or someone who is fat this. Say," hey, have you ever been on a plane?" And if they reply with yes then you could say holy crap alert the media a PIG FLEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what is a 68?

you do me and I will owe you one
what does michaljackson like about twentyseven yearolds?

there are twenty of them!

why did the blonde keep going to the postoffice?

her computer kept telling her that she had mail!

how does michael jackson pick his nose?

out of a catalogue!
Yo Momma's like a Big Mac. Full of fat and only worth $1!
ok well i have a pretty dirty joke for you but here it is

- There is this guy and he is a indian. The indian goes to the doctor for a check up. He takes his shirt off for the appointment. This guy has no nipples though. The doctor says woah you don't have any nipples! And the indian say i no neither do the other 2500 men in my tribe. And the doctor says ok so do the women have nipples? And the indian said that all the 2500 women in the group don't have nipples either. So the doctor asks what the tribes name is and the indian replies.... The nippless 5000
There were two old drunk men sitting on the porch....and the cat walked by. One of the one men turned to the other and said "Look at that one-eyed cat!". The other one said "That cat ain't a comin' he's a goin'!"......meoooooow....
Yes i do have a good joke just for you girl and i really hope you love it. Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What did the blonde閳ユ獨 left leg say to her right leg?

A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?

A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?

A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?

A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?

A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?

A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?

A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?

A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ***?

A. Brain tumor.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?

A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"

A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....

Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?

A. Because they both drip when they're ******!

Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

A. "Way to go team!"

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?

A. FULL

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?

A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?

A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A. Pregnant

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A. Not everyone has been in a 747?

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?

A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?

A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?

A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow **** have in common?

A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?

A. She opens the car door.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are?

A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?

A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?

A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?

A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?

A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?

A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?

A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?

A. Get'em on their back and their both ******.

Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?

A. A ******** with handlebars

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?

A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?

A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?

A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?

A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. How do you drown a blonde?

A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?

A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?

A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?

A. There is white out on the screen.

Q. Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores?

A. Open 24 hours a day.

Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?

A. To feed the toilet duck!

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses?

A. The sun glasses sit higher on your face.

Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws?

A. Practice.

Q. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

A. To cover the valve stem.

Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A. It takes too long to retrain them.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?

A. The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q. How is a blonde like peanut-butter?

A. They spread for the bread.

Q. What's the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician?

A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts I hope you really enjoy laughing at my joke and have fun because i know you is going to love it and i hope it really cheers you up.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."

My boyfriend is taking the jokes too far!!help!?

the other day he told me he had just found out he had hiv....and then he told me it was over...and that he couldnt risk giving it to me..but we had already slept together so i was afraid i could have it too..he kept the joke going untill i was crying and going crazy..then he says" na baby im just playin i just wanted to see what u was gonna say"....i mean why would he take a joke that far..he is always joking around like this! i told him befor not to joke around like this..he says he wouldnt anymore but he keeps on doing it..its so annoying..is it normal for a joke to go that far?i mean ive cried befor from other jokes he played on me and i thought since he made me cry he would want to stop but he hasnt yet so i dk what to do...

My boyfriend is taking the jokes too far!!help!?-Myspace pictures

Your boyfriend sounds like a real piece of work , and i don't mean that in a good way , you should dump him and find someone who is not emotionally abusive , if he is this bad now , god forbid your relationship should go any further , it will only get worse , not better , trust me , dump him now !!

My boyfriend is taking the jokes too far!!help!?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

your boyfriend is a piece of classless ghetto sh!t.

no...it's not normal. it's utterly appalling. I think he needs some time volunteering in an AIDS clinic. (y un pocito mas tiempo aprendiendo como hablar ingles sin cafreria.)
your bf sounds like an immature jerk
That is a terrible thing to do to someone. He gets enjoyment out of seeing you suffering, that is sick. Get out of that relationship, that is not normal at all.
He probably does have HIV and is just saying he is joking. Get tested!
Immature
That is a good one. He sounds like a fun guy.

You should post this in the "Jokes and Riddles" category.

Also, if he tries again to tell you he has HIV or something, just say, "that's okay, so do I".
Sorry but he's an ********. It's not a joke...
forget about him. You don't want to be with somebody so immature anyway.

Saying you might have HIV is not a joke, it's just plain cruel.
tell him you're pregnant.....that should wipe the smile off his smug face!
he's not ready to be "boyfriend" material!!!
whoa.. that's a predicament.

just be straight and serious with him.

tell him one of these days he's going to push it to the point of jeopardizing your relationship. let him know that it HAS to stop, it's not an option. reassure him that joking around is completely fine but sometimes he takes it way too far and it's very upsetting for you.
thats awful..he shouldnt joke about something so serious especially hiv....just in case he wasnt kidding you should get checked just in case good luck..
get tested...dump him..
He sounds a bit insecure to me.
maybe he likes wen u cry?

or maybe he just like teasing u

or maybe it is time u breakup
ive got a best friend that likes to play sick jokes like that on his gf and i told him if i was his gf id have left him first time he tried that crap.....

sounds like u need a new bf.....one who wont play stupid "jokes" on you because i dont think that if he loved you he would keep doing that after you talked to him about it....so yeah good luck with that
That's nothing to joke about. I would still think twice that he may be telling the truth. make him get tested. let him know u don't like those games.. he is playing around with your life in other words. does he take anything seriously?
He just sounds a bit immature. Next time just don't believe him. Why don't you play a little joke on him for a change. You may be able to worry him enough that he will not like it and he will feel what it's like to be in your shoes.
My boyfriend pulls this crap all the time! I have learned to take nothing he says seriously. Usually if it is something that extreme like having HIV, it's probably a joke. From now on when he says something completely off the wall just nod and say 'uh-huh'.....that's what I do. If he is being serious and not joking you will learn by his reactions to you not seeming to care when he is being serious and not BSing you.
you can find somebody that will treat you with some respect... sorry but if i was with someone who made me cry and then didn't stop what he was doing I would dump him. he obviously doesn't care
That's not a joke! Jokes are supposed to be funny. That's just plain cruelty. He clearly just likes to manipulate your feelings, he likes the control of being able to make you cry.Get away from him he sounds like a freak with a God complex.
See if he likes the taste of his own medicine.......Tell him your pregnant and have a positive urine test to show him when you tell him.

STOP HAVING UNSAFE SEX then you dont have to worry about it.
That's not a joke...that's emotional abuse. Get away from him and do it NOW, before he hurts you even worse.
thats f@$#ed up. if he loved u he would never wanna c u cry.
wow my moms bf did that one tyme she was p!$$ed
well...thats too much. i hope he knows that he was joking with the right fem because there some that would have seriously hurt him.

i would still get tested and see how he feels then...and you still need to do it for you because maybe his joke was the truth and thats how he got out...

you should really be opened with him about the jokes...some people do that and thinks its funny even if you cry. my boyfriend does that too, but i told him how i felt and it could just be his personality.
He said he would stop, if he hasn't you need to sit down and talk to him about it.

If he doen't stop at least 1-2 days after, then you have a problem.Tell him if he doesn't stop he'll lose you and your love forever.It might knock some sense into him.
Your bf definitely took that joke too far; honestly I dont know if I would be able to forgive him and I definitely wouldnt have sex with him anytime soon if I were you. He sounds very immature if he can not understand why that joke was so inappropriate. Everytime he makes a stupid joke, ignore him, or have a smart comment to get him back with; just make sure he gets the picture that you dont appreciate his jokes and they arent funny. You might also wanna be on the look out for a better man and if you do,make it known to him that you are doing so.
Get yourself tested, immediately.
You got to get him back big time.

This will work. Get other people to help you pull it off.