I need jokes to cheer me up! The most jokes, the bigger reward. And they better be funny, too! Not crude, though.
Jokes are needed at this qustion!?-Myspace pictures
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was
larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
decided to do their own
study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was to
give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's
hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Jokes are needed at this qustion!?
-(Myspace images myspace.com)
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they would be called bay-gulls!
Why are all boys born on Monday thru Saturday?
Because there is no male delivery on Sunday@
How does a blond kill a fish?
Drowns it!
a guy polishes his shoes, and shines them to wear for a date.
he took her dancing, while dancing he said."oh you are wearing a red under pants today huh". the girl was shocked, who he knows..
the next time they went dancing, she wore a green panties, and the guy said oh u went green today, nice...
girl so surprised and curious, how..
next time they went dancing, girl decides to go commando. she was smiling, looking at the guy's face in shocked, said hey u r not going to guess the color of my underpant today..and
and the Guy said ya Waite.. I'm just wondering how come there's a whole in my shoe...
Three men went hunting. On the first night, the first guy came back to camp with a bear. The other guys asked him how he killed it. He said, " I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I killed the bear. On the second night, the second guy came back with a deer. The other guys asked him how he killed it. He said, " I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I killed the deer.On the third night, the third guy came back all cut up and bruised. The other two guys asked what happened. He said, " I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I got hit by a train. lol
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."
Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
-- Steven Wright
The stupidest joke ever!!!!
Ok here goes......
Q.Why are fire engines red in colour?
Ans.
...
...
...
...
...
...
fire engines have ladders.
ladders have steps.
steps are one foot apart.
foot can be measured using rulers.
a ruler can b a king or a queen.
elizabeth is the queen of england.
elizabeth is also the name of a ship.
ships float on water.
water has fishes.
fishes hav fins.
fins r the people of finland.
the colour of the national flag of finland is red.
So, fire engines are red.........
Today's Joke: Whats ur personality
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whats ur personality! - chance to know about yourself
The chance to know about yourself like your character etc. without
spending a money. This test was devised by a famous team of psychologists
from a british university.
Here it is.....
Imagine you walked into a small hut by the river in the jungle. You
pushed open the door, in front of you were 7 small beds to the right of
the hut, and another 7 small chairs surrounding a small round table. In
the middle of the table was a round food tray with 5 kinds of fruit in
it.
There are:
a. Apple b. Banana c. Strawberry d. Peach e.Orange
Which fruit will u choose?
Your choice reveals about u!
Test results : Please SCROLL DOWN
Here are the results..
a. if you chosen apple: that means you are a person
who loves to eat apple
b. if you chosen banana: that means you are a person
who loves to eat banana
c. if you chosen strawberry: that means you are a
person who loves to eat strawberry
d. if you chosen peach: that means you are a person
who loves to eat peach
e. if you chosen orange: that means you are a person
who loves to eat orange
PS: If u r hunting for me to Kick me.....well...I am still hunting for
the person who sent me this...!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa閳ユ獨 Hi tech Achievements
閳ユ凡aterproof Towel閳?br> 閳ユ藩olar Powered Torch閳?br> 閳ユ阀edaled Wheelchair閳?br> 閳ユ穾 book on 閳ユガow to read a book閳?閳?br>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is crime story. Five friends lived in one room,
Namely MAD, BRAIN, FOOL, NOBODY, SOMEBODY.
One day SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. At that time BRAIN was in bathroom, MAD called police.
MAD : "Is it police station???"
Police: "Yes, what is the matter??"
MAD : "SOMEBODY killed NOBODY."
Police: "Are you mad?"
MAD : "Yes, I'm MAD."
Police: "Don`t you have BRAIN."
MAD : "BRAIN is in bathroom...."
Police: "You FOOL.!!!"
MAD : "No, Sir.. FOOL is reading this joke... "
Tanks %26amp; Regard
MAD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nice puzzle - try to crack it ............
Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.
One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board
the bus,
but he didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.
Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.
The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman
tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately,
this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and
died on the spot.
Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and
a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to thechair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus.
Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.
The conductor was taken to the police station and then to
the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but
considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.
He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time??
Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.
Still you couldn't, Then see below.........
think hard
common yaar.............
tired....
wanna know the answer????
ok........ there is the Answer............
During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor,
therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he
was a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!!!!!
Ha Ha Ha ha !!!!!!!! Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity ???
OK, OK....Relax.....No violence please...!!!!!!
go to www.jokes.com or type in jokes in yahoo or any search. good luck! =]
dogs this dogs is dogs a dogs good dogs way dogs to dogs keep dogs bored dogs people dogs entertained dogs for dogs twenty dogs seconds dogs.
now take out Dogs
Blonde gets stopped on the road...?
She's driving along, and a policeman pulls her up.
"Can I see your driving liscence please?" He asks.
"My what?" she says puzzled
"What you got when you passed you test."
So she gets it out for him.
"...And your insurance?" he says.
" 'scuse me?" she again replies.
"Your paper so something happens to your car" he groans.
So again she shows him.
He begins to undo his zip on his jeans and she cries
"Oh no! Not another breathaliser!"
1.)These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male
egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a
minute." and off she went.
Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky
閳ユgg閳ユ獟ige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it
completely.
The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head
with a spoon!"
2.)Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction
of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their
habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come
from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice Breast, sisters," says the man, "Now where do you want these blinds?"
3.)A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year
old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe
and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're
running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
4.)One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"
5.)The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation
for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation
agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the
minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several
years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the
increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the
minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an
Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So is rain and snow, but we
wear rubbers for them!"
6.)A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up
a picture of a cat. "What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what
your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.
How do you distinguish a cook from a chef?
Answer : A chef will turn his head before he sneezes. Ha Ha!
There was a blonde,brunnet,and a redhead the redhead said hey i've got an idea lets jump off this cliff the other two agreed what the heck they thought they had nothing to looseso the redhead jumped then the brunnet when it came to the blonde she said "wait where's off the cliff?"
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
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Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
--------------------------------------...
What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
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How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!
--------------------------------------...
Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.
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Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!!
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Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.
--------------------------------------...
What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.
--------------------------------------...
Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.
--------------------------------------...
You so short you have to look up to look down.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mamma is so fat:
She eats Wheat Thicks.
We're in her right now.
She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.
She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY."
--------------------------------------...
Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".
--------------------------------------...
Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window.
--------------------------------------...
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...
--------------------------------------...
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
--------------------------------------...
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
--------------------------------------...
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
--------------------------------------...
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
--------------------------------------...
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
--------------------------------------...
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of ****?
The bucket.
--------------------------------------...
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.
--------------------------------------...
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
--------------------------------------...
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.
--------------------------------------...
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
--------------------------------------...
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
George Carlin
--------------------------------------...
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
--------------------------------------...
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
--------------------------------------...
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
--------------------------------------...
I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone
--------------------------------------...
I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
Jay Leno
--------------------------------------...
Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
--------------------------------------...
What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.
--------------------------------------...
Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!
--------------------------------------...
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!
--------------------------------------...
What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!
--------------------------------------...
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
--------------------------------------...
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
--------------------------------------...
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
--------------------------------------...
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
--------------------------------------...
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
--------------------------------------...
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
--------------------------------------...
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
--------------------------------------...
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
--------------------------------------...
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
--------------------------------------...
What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.
--------------------------------------...
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
--------------------------------------...
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
--------------------------------------...
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
--------------------------------------...
If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel
--------------------------------------...
Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.
Billiam Coronel
--------------------------------------...
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
--------------------------------------...
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
--------------------------------------...
Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
--------------------------------------...
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
--------------------------------------...
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
--------------------------------------...
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
--------------------------------------...
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama's so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama so old she has Jesus' beeper number!
--------------------------------------...
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
--------------------------------------...
Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
--------------------------------------...
What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?
--------------------------------------...
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
--------------------------------------...
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.
--------------------------------------...
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
--------------------------------------...
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
--------------------------------------...
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
--------------------------------------...
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
--------------------------------------...
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
--------------------------------------...
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
--------------------------------------...
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.
--------------------------------------...
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish! (Bob)
--------------------------------------...
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
--------------------------------------...
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
--------------------------------------...
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of ****?
The bucket.
--------------------------------------...
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
--------------------------------------...
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
--------------------------------------...
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
--------------------------------------...
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
--------------------------------------...
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
--------------------------------------...
If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Attila the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brain! (Jennifer Childs)
--------------------------------------...
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
--------------------------------------...
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
--------------------------------------...
What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.
--------------------------------------...
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
--------------------------------------...
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
--------------------------------------...
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
--------------------------------------...
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
--------------------------------------...
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
--------------------------------------...
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
--------------------------------------...
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
--------------------------------------...
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
--------------------------------------...
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
--------------------------------------...
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like linoleum: Lay them once right and you can walk on them for the next 20 years.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like snowstorms: You never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like vacations: They never seem to last long enough.
--------------------------------------...
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, she has a grenade in her mouth! (Taylor Cunningham)
--------------------------------------...
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
--------------------------------------...
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.
--------------------------------------...
How do you tell when a blonde is having her period?
She's only wearing one sock.
--------------------------------------...
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
--------------------------------------...
What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?
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Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
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What's the similarity between a blonde and a dog's turd?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
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What's the difference between a blonde and the titanic ?
You know how many men went down on the titanic.
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What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board ?
Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.
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How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
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How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...
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How does a blonde turn the light out after sex?
She shuts the car's door.
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What do blondes use for protection during sex?
Bus Shelters.
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What does a blonde say after having sex ?
What team do you guys play for!
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What's the difference between a Walrus and a blonde?
One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.
What bird can lift the most?
A crane.
What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.
What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.
What clothes does a house wear?
Address.
What country makes you shiver?
Chile.
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!
What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.
What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.
What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.
What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.
What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.
Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.
What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat.
What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice.
What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer.
What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
What kind of ties can't you wear?
Railroad ties.
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.
What's green and loud?
A froghorn.
What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.
Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
He took them to a pignic.
Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.
Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
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Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
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When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
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A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
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"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."
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Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
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Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
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Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!
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"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
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Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!
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What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.
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I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?
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It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.
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Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!
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What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
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A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...
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HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
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Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"
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Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...
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A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"
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Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my *** look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."
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Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy **** it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy ****... A talking muffin!"
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A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Submitted by: Freshteh Sadeghi
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Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes.
Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!
Submitted by: Robert
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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
Submitted by: Willaim Greaves
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A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
Submitted by: Fred
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Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)
Submitted by: Jillian H.
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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan
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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau
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Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Submitted by: Michael Trew
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Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
Submitted by: Zeinab Eltayb
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Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
Submitted by: Emily Mileski
(If you don't know what Limp Bizkit is, see the results of a Google search for Limp Bizkit.)
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A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
Submitted by: Matty
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This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke.
A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)
A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.
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A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
Submitted by: Landa Eugene
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Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters?
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)
Submitted by: George Hurlburt
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Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
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Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
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Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
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Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
(Giants' nails.)
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Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
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Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
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These need to be written.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.
Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.
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Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants.
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Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one.
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.
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Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
Submitted by: Eric Stein
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The First 3 Years of Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
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Q: What happens when "you" and "I" are gone?
A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)
Submitted by: Maria Zermani
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Riddles of Alphabet
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
Submitted by: Mubarak Abdessalami
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This is a bilingual English/Spanish joke-- especially good for a class of native Spanish speakers. It also illustrates an important gramatical difference between languages (genders of nouns).
An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."
Submitted by: Gary Cooper, Dallas, Texas
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Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.
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Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice.
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Q: Who earns money driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
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The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"
Submitted by: Abu Jouri
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Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
Submitted by: Abu Jouri
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Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?
A: A carrot
Submitted by: Mariana G鑴筸ez
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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
Submitted by: Submitted by: Ana Carri鑴昽, Portugal
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This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened?
A: The customer had hiccups.
I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.
Submitted by: Jenny Mitchell
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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.(No-eye deer)
Submitted by: Pablo Ortega Ju璺痳ez
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ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...".
Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".
1. Little Tim's Goldfish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."
2. Pushy Drunk
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain. "Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame. "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."
"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.
3. Foiled Carjacking
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!" The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman. No charges were filed.
fart nugget
yeah, it's not funny, but I thought it was when I heard it.
These jokes are really good. I can't top them. lol......Hope you are cheered up by now though :)
What do you call a women with one leg...i-lene
What do you call a man with no legs...Niel
little boy said "i don't wanna see grandma, i don't wanna see grandma" his mom said shut up and keep digging.
Have you ever heard of a golden shower? Well how about a dolphin ...it's when your mate accidentally put his dick in the wrong hole and you go...antant antant
Mom comes in to get me up calling to me My reply is those people don't like me and futher more I'm not so sure I like them either hy do I have to get up? Mom's reply is *2 reasons one is it;s Sunday and the other is you are the preacher*
tbug
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