Does anyone have any SUPER FUNNY jokes? i LOVE jokes, and i laugh at not so funny ones too. but i want a suuper good joke, one i can tell to my friends, and we can all start laughing and never stop.
Help with the funniest jokes?-Myspace pictures
i think i have the right jokes that you are looking for girl and i hope you love them all. BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science %26amp;Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who almost caused a car wreck?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend said he loved her?
A: She believed him.
Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.
Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
A: They take off their makeup.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.
Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the whiteout.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde die ice-fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
Q: How did the blonde get ready for Y2K?
A: She changed all her y's to k's.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do you know if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a check book.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M%26amp;M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: How do you make blondes laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A You shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: How does a blonde spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: How does a blonde "high-5"?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: If you drop a blonde and a brunette from 100 ft, which hits the ground first?
A: The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third grade.
Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.
Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
A: She peed on her corn flakes.
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
Q: What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A1: She didn't like it 'because she couldn't get channel 9.
A2: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
Q: What did the really dumb blonde say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.
Q: What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air?
A: A woman collecting her thoughts.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
A. A rebel without a clue!
Q: What do you call a blonde mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all *****.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A space invader.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to retrain them.
Q: What do you call a really smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you call three blondes in a Volkswagen?
A: FARFROMTHINKEN
Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Q: What do you call three blondes, sitting at a bar, singing, drinking Tab, and eating apples?
A: The moron Tab %26amp; apple choir.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm "sooo" drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M%26amp;M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: What's a blonde behind the wheel?
A: Airbag.
Q: What's 2 blondes in a car?
A: Dual Airbags.
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A You know they are out there but people have reported sighting UFO's
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
Q: Why are the Japanese so smart?
A: No blondes.
Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!
Q: Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A: They can't find the 11 on the phone!
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
A: She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q:Why did the blonde jump off the building?
A: She had just bought Always with wings.
Q: Why did the blonde keep putting quarters in the soda vending machine?
A: Because she thought she was winning.
Q: Why did the blonde take 16 friends to the movies?
A: Under 17 not admitted!
Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
Q: Why did the blonde secretary cut off her finger?
A: She wanted to write shorthand.
Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE.
Q: Why do blondes hate M%26amp;Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
A3: Because they are easier to find in the dark.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: **** go in front.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
Q: Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: They can't get their heads in the jar.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why was the blonde got fired from the M%26amp;M factory?
A: She was throwing all the W's away.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock. i hope you really enjoy laughing at my jokes girl because these should make you laugh all day and take care.
Help with the funniest jokes?
-(Myspace images myspace.com)
why did the chicken cross the road?
The chicken crossed the road to get away from you!
the aristocrates!
So there were these two muffins in an oven sitting next to each other. And one muffin said to the other, "Boy it's getting hot in here." And the other muffin said, "HOLY CRAP, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!!!"
knock knock
This might be funny.? Knock knock.....Who's there?....Little old lady...Little old lady who?....I didn't know you could yodle.It's funnier when you hear it!
I can't tell you mine I want to be able to ask not tell!! Go to the jokes and riddles section for a lot!!!
How crude can we get on this answer?
look on http://www.ebaumsworld.com they have the best jokes.
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
-
Kids at the Wedding
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
there were two seagulls sitting on a big sign on the beach in miami,they see a group of people sitting on the sand,one says to the other---ahh,another day on the beach and more people to poop on! i hope this stupid little joke made you grin.
Yo mama so fat it took 9 UFOs to abduct her, Yo mamas teeth are so yellow that when she smiles traffic slows down, yo mama so fat when she jumped she got stuck, yo mama so fat when she was in school she sat next to everyone, yo mama so fat when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party, yo mama so stupid she starved in a grocery store, yo mamas hair is so short when she braids it, it looks like stitches, yo mama the same color as your heart...black (not a racist remark) yo mama so fat it takes 2 cars and an airplane just to get to her good side, yo mama so fat she has to wake up in sections...I think I made my point lol
Blonde Joke
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
a mom caught her son jerking off and she scolded him saying son dont ever do that again for u might be killing the next president or the next great lawyer and so on...... so he found a mason jar and went to the shed and kept jerkin his gerkin into the mason jar it would go..... well his little brother was playing at the pond and found a little frog.... he saw the mason jar full of stuff and put the frog in it.... well the older brother headed to the barn to do his thing.... when he saw the mason jar with the frog his eyes grew big and he said u are ugly son but daddy loves ya!!!!!!LOL LOL LOL
OK I DO BUT THEY REALLY ARNET JOKES THEY ARE FUNNY STORIES JUST READ ONE
OK THERE IS THIS ONE french dude and he just learned how to repeat english words right so he went to a caffe and learned the few words forks and knives so he kept saying it cuz he dun want to forget ...... then he went to a candy shop and learnned goodygoody gumdrops so he kept saying it then he saw a commerical .... you know the on `~~~~ plug it in plug it in ~~~ well he learned how to say that so then one night he was js wakin in the forest and found a dead man the police were like wht did you kill this man with ( remember he doesnt understand english so the whole time he jus used words he kknew) anyway the french dude answered back like forks and kives forks and kives ..... then the police where like im going to have to bring you to jail and put you in an electrical chair. then he said goody goody gumdrops (meaning ok thats great again he doesnt know wht he is saying , just immatating words) ok so then when he is brought to court the judge is like any last words b4 the chair and the french dude was like plug it in plug it in .. get it
Amazing talking cow
A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."
There are three guys, and they o to a pub.They all have to go pee pee. (ha). So one goes to a metal toilet and says:"I didn't like that toilet, it was too cold." and the second goes to a wooden one, and says: "I didn't lke that toilet, it gave me blisters" and the 3rd goes to a singing toilet and says: " I didn't like that toilet because it kept saying, 'Do You See What I See?'! LOL!
ready its a long one: this guy goes to las vegas and loses everything he has. he doesn't even have enough money to catch a cab back to the airport. so he hails a cab anyway. he gets into the cab and says hey buddy hook a brother up i lost every thing i had and need to get home. the cabbie says if you dont have $15.00 no ride.get out of my cab. so the man down on his luck has no choice but to walk to the airport, he almost misses his flight, just barely makes it and has a terrible flight home. 6 months later he's back in vegas again and this time his luck has changed he hits big, a great week of gambling and now its time to go home. he comes out of his hotel to hail another cab and sees a line of them, last in line is his old friend the axxhole cabbie who wouldn't give him a ride. so he thinks how can i get back at this guy.he goes up to the first cab and asks how much to the airport? $15.00 the cabbie says. guy asks how much if you give me head the whole way. the cabbie yells you sick pervert get out of my cab. he goes to the second cab. how much to the airport?$15.00 the cabbie says. how much if you give me head the whole way. the cabbie yells get out of my cab. so the guy does this the whole way down the line until he gets to his old friend that refused him a ride. how much to the airport? $15.00 the cabbie says. the the man says great give me a ride. as they drive past the rest of the line of cabs the guy waves and smiles giving the rest of the cabbies the thumbs up sign. and makes the visual with his mouth that he's gonna get head from this cabbie. (make the sign as you tell the punch line guranteed to get laughs!)
try www.jokes.com because they have awesome jokes!!
I AM NOT RACIST AND THIS IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND anyone but i just found it funny.
ok so a jewish guy was walking down the street and he sees a huge poster of hitler on the wall and starts spitting on it. another guy passes by and asks "why are u spitting on hitler?" the jewish guy responds "cause he killed many jews". then the other guy stands next to him and starts spitting on it as well. The jewish guy asks "why are you spitting on hitler?" the other guy responds "cause he didn't kill all of them."
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to.... OR they do.
One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.
"Oh, ****!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."
Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman.
Delirious from shock, the woman shouted, "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"
The man replied, "Do you suck?"
Stunned at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!"
And with that, the man let go of her.
"****!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again.
Suddenly, another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor.
"Thank God!" she screamed. "I would have died if it weren't for you!"
The man asked, "Do you ****?"
Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't ****!"
Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there.
Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die.
Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted, "I suck! I ****!"
"****," the man said, and dropped her.
Little Johnny has always had a fascination with sex, and always talked to his parents about it. One evening, the conversation got around to talking about penis's.
Johnny's dad tried to explain it to Johnny in a child like way.
"Well Johnny, your penis sleeps for a very long time. Sometimes when it is around women, it wakes up, stretches and grows to about 5 inches long and..."
"Dad", interrupted Johnny, "That sounds a bit small. Mum said that Bob's next door is twice as big!!!"
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
"I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time."
"You miss me that much?" she asks.
"No", he says. "But it kept me from coming too fast."
"The porn industry totally shut down. They estimate that this porn shutdown has put over 6,000 actors and actresses out of work, 400 cameramen, and 1 writer."
One day George Bush was sitting in his oval office when his secretary came in.
The secretary informed Bush that "3 Brazilian soldiers has been killed in an ambush"
Upon hearing this news Bush's face began to sadden and began to sob and then a burst into tears.
The secretary asked why he was crying.
Bush replied "Damn Bill that is awful news, but please tell me something"
"What is it sir?"
"How many zeros are there in one Brazillion??"
Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "Work for you? I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."
Elly, a blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
Every day (and night) I get tons of phone calls from telemarketers trying to sell me something. I hate these calls, but I always try to be polite when I say No Thank You. One night, I had a very persistent telemarketer, and no matter how many times and ways I said No thank you, not interested, he would not let up. I finally said, "Listen, I am not financially in a position to buy anything right now. I am broke and on the verge of bankruptcy."
Without missing a beat, the telemarketer said to me, "I understand what you mean. Why do you think I have this job right now?"
I have several jokes that I have found that I think are really funny I hope you do too! Enjoy!! :^)
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures.
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"
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How To Give Your Cat A Pill
Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle.
Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty". Drop the pill in its mouth.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp %26amp; pill from under sofa.
Follow the same procedure as in 1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand
%26amp; back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle (resist impulse to get new cat).
Again proceed as in 1 except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw %26amp; pop pill in quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat %26amp; pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cats mouth, take pill %26amp; ..... oops!
This isn't working, is it? Collapse %26amp; think. Aha! Those flashing slashing claws are causing the chaos her, aren't they?
Crawl to the linen closet licking your wounds. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread the towel on the floor.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter %26amp; pill from potted plant.
Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
Flatten cats front %26amp; back legs over its stomach (resist impluse to flatten cat).
Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for now man - or woman!
Resume position 1. Rotate left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
Drop it into cats mouth %26amp; poke gently. Voila! its done.
Vacuum up loose fur (the cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
Take two aspirins %26amp; lie down.
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While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night
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A lady walks into a cocktail lounge at the top of a hotel,
and sits down and orders a drink, the guy sitting there staring into his drink all of a sudden gets up and dives out the window, flies around the building and lands back in the window and returns to his seat, the woman is wide eyed, "that's amazing" she exclaims "how did you do that"? the man looks up at her and says "magic shots". "your kidding me" she says, "do it again"
so the man orders another drink and slams it down, runs and dives out the window, flies around the building and lands back inside, "go ahead give it a try" and pours her a shot,
the woman slams the shot and run and dives out the window and falls screaming until she splatters herself on the pavement
the bar tender looks up shacking his head, "you know your a real @$$ hole when your drunk superman"
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A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.
This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, ''Keep off the grass.''
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, ''Sorry, had to mow the lawn.''
``````````````````````````````````````... 8 yr old boy walks home from school each day passing an 8 yr old girl's house.
One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up his football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have a football."
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football." Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football and says, "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boy's bikes and you can't have one."
She runs into the house for her mom. The next day the little girl is waiting for the boy on her new boy's bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants and pointing to his most private of parts and says "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well I guess I showed you," to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts. The little girl proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
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At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and poof she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and poof she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini." replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
"No, sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara
Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
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The O'Malley Twins
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again.
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Well I hope you found at least one of these funny. Have a great day. :^)
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