Need some jokes??

Can you please suggest me some jokes appropriate for an english project in highskul and shoud DEFINITELY be funny as I ahve to make the audience laugh....any jokes will do????

But I'm prefering shorter jokes as they are less time consuming and SHOULD be funny?????/

Need some jokes??-Myspace pictures

a letter by a punjabi mother to her son !!!!

My dear Jagjit,I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a wellthere.I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know youcannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Yourdad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen20 miles from home, so we moved 20miles.I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardarwho stayed here took the house numbers with them fortheir new house so they would not have to change theiraddress. Hopefully by next week we will be able totake our earlier address plate here, and that ouraddr! ess will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washingmachine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sureit works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulledthe chain and haven't seen them since.The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twicelast week. The first time it rained for 3 days andsecond time for 4 days.The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said itwould be a little too heavy to send in the mail withall the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put themin the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him.He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. Themanager is Badmash. He told her that two pieceswimming suit is not allowed in his club. We wereconfused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't foundout whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't knowwhether you are an Aunt or Uncle.Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some mentried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravelyand drowned. We cremated him and he burned for threedays.There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much hashappened.Love - Mom.

P.S. Jagjit, I was goin! g to send you some money butby the time I realized, I had already sealed off thisletter.

Need some jokes??

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

in life 2 things matter most.....one how you live it....and the other....life stinks.......why did i come here to answer your question?.....it even stinks...........(well,dont get offended,that's it)..........
two men r sitting in a bar watching sports and a nun goes and sits infront of them. 1 guy says im going to england there are only a few nuns the nun replies why dont you go to hell there are no nuns.
DUMB THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:

* When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the

shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

* Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go

back for more.

* Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the

wrong ones.

* Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know

what floor you're on.

* Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After

awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

* Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then

scream, "That's mine!"

* Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

* Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask

if they have an appointment.

* Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

* Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they

hear something ticking.

* Ask, "Did you feel that?"

* Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

* When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't

panic, they open up again."

* Swat at flies that don't exist.

* Tell people that you can see their aura.

* Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

* Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut

up, all of you, just shut up!"

* Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,

Got enough air in there?"

* Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,

without getting off.

* Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,

"You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

* Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other

passengers.

* Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

* Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

* Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce,

"I have new socks on."

* Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the

other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

just choose a few of them or read them all lol i read it too my class

Hope this helps

=] dolly
A man walks into a bar...

'OUCH'
this one is really cute, prince always has quick good ones, hes got a bunch just below you....heres one of his.

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..

My Father grows beans," said one student.

"My father cooks beans," said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope." As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs.

As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog

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A seargent is interviewing three cadets who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first cadet answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The seargent says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second cadet smiles, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third cadet and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The cadet looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The seargent is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the cadet replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
George Bush,Bill clinton nd Saddam Hussain went to hell

all the three wanted to speak to their people so bush talked for 20 min nd costed 20 million$and Clinton spoke 4 1 hr and costed 25 million$ and Saddam spoke for 20 hrs nd costed only 5$ nd when he asks why so less then the person says hell to hell is local
Check out the following for shorter nice jokes

http://smsMantra.blogspot.com

and

http://mindgrill.googlepages.com
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are going deer hunting. Boudreaux goes to pick Thib up that morning. When Boudreaux gets there to pick up Thib, he is really hung over from the night before.....Thib argues he does what to go...because he is feeling really bad....Boudreaux talks him into going. They finally get to the camp and start out into the woods.......After about 10 minutes into the woods Thib felt horrible and had to take a devilish poo. Boudreaux got mad and left him ,going off to hunt by himself. Meanwhile Thib is sitting on a log doing his business and falls over and passes out.........later ...Boudreaux ends up shooting a small doe and is dragging it back when he comes upon Thib passed out, laying next to his mess.......Repulsed.......Boudreaux decides to play a joke on Thib.......He pulls out his skinning knife and pulls all the intestines out of the deer and places them next to Thibodeaux's butt.....Boudreaux then takes the rest of the deer and drags it back to the camp ,leaving Thib there still passed out. About an hour passes, all of a sudden Boudreaux hears all this commotion comming from the woods. Boudreaux looks up and see's Thibodeaux staggering out of the woods crying and sobbing.......Boudreaux asks......Thib whats the matter?.... Thibs answers back crying......Well, when I woke up, I saw that I had passed out after releaving myself....then I saw where I had crapped all my guts out......Pausing....he then stated......sniffling.......its ok though, by the grace of God and these two fingers I was able to shove it all back in!!!!!!!!
Postman:- I had to come 5 miles to deliver u this

packet

Man - Why did u come so far. Instead u could have

posted it

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Teacher - Name four members of the cat family?

Student - Daddy cat, Mummy cat and two kittens !

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Police man - Stop, stop, your headlights are not working.

The Man - Move, move, even the brakes are not working.

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"Doctor, doctor, will i be able to play the

Violin after the operation?"

"Yes of course...."

"Great ! I never could before"

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Two teenagers are arrested.The police sergeant tells them they are entitled to one phone call.

Some time later a man enters the police station and asks for them.

"I suppose you're their solicitor",says the sergeant.

"Nope",the man replies."I am here to deliver the pizza."

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Shakey said to the psychiatrist, "Doc, everytime I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. You got to help me!"

"Come to me three times a week for 2 years %26amp; I'll cure your fears",said the doctor. "And I'll charge you $200 a visit."

"I'll think about it",said Shakey.

Six months later, the doctor met Shakey on the street and asked why he never came to see him.

"For 200 bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10"

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."

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The elderly couple invites friends for lunch.The men talk in the living room while the women prepare the food."Last night we went to a new restaurant and had a great time",says the older man.

"What's the name of the restaurant?"

He creases his forehead,deep in thought, and finally asks his friend,"What's the name of that red flower we normally give the one we love?"

"A carnation?"

"No.No."

"A poppy?"

"Noooo!! You know the one.Red,with thorns."

"Do you mean the rose?"

"Yes, that's it! Thank You."

He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, "Hey Rose, what's the name of the restaurant we went to last night?"

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A teacher told all students in a class to write an

essay on a cricket match.All were busy writing except

one student.He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

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