What are the best jokes you've ever heard?

any jokes? also, anything thats like...."fun things to do in an elevator, or a pool"...things like that please enter the type of joke before posting the joke...for example

-bonde joke

*begin joke*

What are the best jokes you've ever heard?-Myspace pictures

Random Jokes

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your **** dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

What are the best jokes you've ever heard?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

the logic of the catholoic church
yo mama jokes
You posting a question!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.........................................

Man , i need help, can't stop laughing!!!
2 cannibals were eating a clown. One looked at the other and asked "Does this taste funny to you?"!!!

2 fish were swimming through a river when all of a sudden they hit a wall. One looked at the other and yelled "Dam!"!!!
one day this old man and woman were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. they went to the restaurant where they had their first date. they were talking about the past, and how they had sex out back leaning on the fence. so, after dinner they decided to relive the past and go have sex out back. this policeman was watching the whole thing. they were flopping,and flipping, and i mean really getting down with it. after-wards the policeman took them both in. the policeman said "old man i just have to ask you, how in the world can you have sex like that at your age?" the old man said "50yrs ago that fence wasn't electric!?
*Just some jokes*

Dear Billy Bob,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read the paper that most accidents happen within 20mi. from home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off put them in the pockets.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in pickup. One of them survived, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, pls let me know and i will send another one.

Love, Ma
Old people joke

An old man sitting in the park on a bench is stoping passers by and asking, "Do you know how old I am?"; "Do you know how old I am?". First he asks a young woman and she says "I have no idea; How old are you?" He says, "I'm 99 and a half years old".

"well congratulations sir" she says and passes by. Next comes a man. "Do you know how old I am?" he asks. "Well, sir, I have no idea." says the man. "How old are you?" The old man syas proudly, "I'm 99 and a half years old!". "Congratulations says the man and he passes by. Well this goes on for a time and finally an old woman is passing by and again the old man asks, "Do you know how old I am?", but the little old lady walks over to him sticks her hand down the front of his pants and feels around for a bit, then says, "You're 99 and a half years old!". Stunned the old man asks, "How did you know?".

The little old woman replies, "I heard you tell that guy that just walked past.

C'Mon! That's funny!
'there is only one thing that is worse than being blind,

and that is being black.'

Stevie Wonder: London Arena, may 1997
A baby Harp seal walks into a club. Freaking tragedy.

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A man goes into a whorehouse and asks for the worst looking and worst lay in the house. The madam tells him it is a respectable house and they only have good looking women skilled in the art of sex. He demands again, the worst looking woman who's the worst in bed. The madam asks him why in the world he would want that? He responds, "Because I'm homesick, not horny."
green joke

genie grants man 1 wish "what would it be? watch what you wish for... for you just might get it" -- the man says "i want to be in between cindy crawford's legs" genie asks "are you sure about this?" guy says "yes! im very sure! there's no place i want to be in right now, but between cindy crawford's legs!!!" genie says "very well... [closes his eyes to grant his wish] by the power invested in me, you are now a tampon!"

hehe...
ELEVATOR JOKES

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other

passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

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