Share your jokes!!! Funniest gets Best Answer!!!?

Hi! I posted this to hear some jokes and to share some of my own. Bad jokes, good jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, etc are all welcome. Here are some of mine (prepare to groan!).

Three men named Larry, Dick and Harry are climbing up a mountain. A genie suddenly appears and says: "Jump off the mountain and say something, and I will turn you into that thing!"

So first Dick jumps off and yells: "Eagle!" and he turns into an eagle. Then Harry jumps off and yells: "Falcon!" and he turns in a falcon. Finally Larry is about to jumps off when he accidently slips, and cries out: "Harry! Dick!" and he's turned into a hairy d***.

The good news is I won a free flight to Jamaica.

The bad news is the plane crashed.

The good news is that I had a parachute.

The bad news is that it was ripped.

The good news is that there was a haystack below me.

The bad news is that there was a pin in the haystack.

The good news is that I missed the pin.

The bad news is that I missed the haystack!

Share your jokes!!! Funniest gets Best Answer!!!?-Myspace pictures

A Blonde's Year in Review

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said '2-4 years!'

April

Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October

Hate M %26amp; M's....they are so hard to peel.

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911 ..... 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

How has your year been thus far?

Share your jokes!!! Funniest gets Best Answer!!!?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

bad news- we amputated the wrong leg -good news the guy in the next wants to buy the shoe!
i dont have any jokes but your first one is funny
to be honest i like the first joke a whole lot so i give you 5 stars here is some jokes

dirty joke: Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

clean joke: A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered."But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

hope you laugh and hope u like it..lol
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

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Ok there are 3 blonde guys on an island. While walking on the beach one of them tripped on a genie lamp. The genie popped out and said i will grant each one of you one wish. The first guy said i wish i was smarter so i could get off this island. Poof he was a red-head. He built a raft and oars and left the island. The second guy said i wish i was even smarter so i could get off the island but without as much work. Poof he was a brunette and he built a raft but with a sail. He sailed away from the island. The third guy said ok i wish i was even smarter so i can get off this island but without as much work. Poof he was a woman and he walked across the bridge.

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Collateral

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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A Plane Trip

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
women are like hurricanes they moan and groan when they come and take your house when they leave

blondes are like turtles if they are on they're back they are f@#$#ed

what does a limp dick and a rattlesnake have in common u cant F%%26amp;k with either one
There was this really good gambler. He won every time. When he was being taxed, they didn't believe him. So, they had a meeting. The gambler came with his lawyer. When they were talking the taxer said "I don't believe you are this good. You must be lying." The gambler said "I'll show you how good I am. I bet you $1000 I can bit my eye." The taxer said "Okay" so the gamber took out his glass eye and bit it. The taxer felt really stupid so the gambler said "Okay, I bet you $2000 I can bite my other eye." The tax collecter, knowing the gambler wasn't blind, agreed. The gambler took out his denters and moved them so they bit his eye. Once again, the tax collecter felt stupid. He was feeling really down in the dumps cos he'd just lost $3000 dollars. The gambler said, "Okay, to make it up to you I bet you $3000 I can stand on your desk and pee in your trash can." The tax collecter looked at the desk and trash can and knew he couldn't make it in. "Okay." The gambler stood on the desk and did his business, none of which made it into the trash. In fact, pee was all over the tax collecter's desk. The tax collecter jumped up and down, very excited. The lawyer, who hadn't said anything the whole time suddenly looked upset. The tax collecter asked, "What's your problem? You haven't said one word the whole time and now your angry?" The lawyer simply responded, "We made a $5000 bet. I said he wouldn't be able to pee all over your desk and you'd be excited about."
ohh heres a good 1

3 guys were in a desert and were xtremely dehydrated . all of a sudden a magic genie appeared and poofed up a very long slide . he told the guys to slide down the slide and while going down they must shout whatever they wished to drink and they will land in a big vat of it.

well the first guy slid down the slide and shouted "beeeeeeer!!!"

and he landed in a vat of beer.

the second guy slid down the slide shouting "lemonadeeeeee!!" and landed in a vat full of lemonade

Well, the third guy didn't really understand what the genie said and didn't hear a thing wen his companions were going down the slide but he decided to go along for the ride anyway.

so he began to slide down the slide saying "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" then, before the ride was over he somewhat understood what would happen and exclaimed "Sh*t!!!".......
how do you know when your to drunk to drive? when you swerve to miss a tree and reliaze it was your airfreshner