Jokes......???

Does anyone know any cute and funny jokes???if so please share.Id really appreciated it thank you!!!

Jokes......???-Myspace pictures

ok i havent read these in a while i just rememberd i had them so im not sure if they are nasty or not but here u go ;)

Blond Jokes

Horrific Accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Dumb Blonde on a Rowboat

There was a dumb blonde out on a rowboat one day in the middle of a wheat field. Then another dumb blonde drives by and yells to the one in a rowboat, "It's people like you that give us a bad name!! And if I could swim I would go out there to kick your butt!!!

Game Of Intelligence

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Q. why did the blonde jump the chain lain-link fence?

A. to see what was on the other side

Redneck Jokes

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

Backwoods High Tech

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.

Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.

Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - Female Disco dancer.

Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.

Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.

Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ROM - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.

Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

If twenty or more of the following apply, you should seek professional help.

You might be a redneck if...

1.More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

2.Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

3.Your home has more miles on it than your car.

4.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

5.There is a stuffed opossum anywhere in your house.

6.You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

7.Fewer than half of your cars run.

8.Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.

9.The primary color of your car is "bondo".

10.You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

11.Your family tree doesn't fork.

12.Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

13.Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

14.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

15.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

16.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

17.Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

18.You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

19.Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

20.The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

21.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

22.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

23.You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

24.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

25.Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

26.You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

27.Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

28.You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

29.You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

30.You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

31.You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

32.Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

33.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

34.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

35.You've ever been too drunk to fish.

36.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

37.You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

38.You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

39.You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'

40.You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

41.Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

42.You've ever financed a tattoo.

43.Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

44.You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

45.You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

46.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

47.Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

48.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

49.The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

50.Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

51.Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

52.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

53.You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

54.Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

55.You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

56.Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

57.You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

58.You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.

59.Redman sends you a Christmas card.

60.You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

61.Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

62.Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

63.Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

64.You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

65.You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

66.You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

67.You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

68.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

69.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

70.The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

71.You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

72.Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

73.You mow your lawn and find a car.

74.If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

75.You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

76.You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

77.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

78.You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

79.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

80.You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

81.You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

82.There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

83.You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".

84.You've ever made change in the offering plate.

85.If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"

86.You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

87.You own at least 20 baseball hats.

88.You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

89.You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

90.When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

91.Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."

92.Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

93.When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

94.You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!

95.Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"

96.Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

97.You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.

98.Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

99.You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

100.You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

101.You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

102.You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

103.You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

104.There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

105.The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'

106.It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

107.You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

108.You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

109.Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

110.The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

111.Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

112.The ASPCA raids yer kitchen

113.Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco

114.Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

115.You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,

116.You fish in your above-ground pool.

117.When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

118.Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.

119.Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

120.You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

121.Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

122.Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

123.You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

124.You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

125.Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

126.The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).

127.You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

128.You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

129.You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!

130.You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

131.Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

132.You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.

133.Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

134.Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

135.The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

136.Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

137.During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

138.You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

139.On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

140.Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".

141.You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.

142.In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".

143.Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

144.You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."

145.Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".

146.You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

147.You bring your dog to work with you.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....

'Dang, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

This is a story of a mother and her child:

One day I was walking down the side walk with my little girl. Duddenly she just picked some thing up and stuck it in her mouth.

閳ユサ don閳ユ獩 put that in your mouth閳?I said in a hurried voice and reached my hand out for her to spit it in.

閳ユΤhy?閳?she asked

閳ユecause it has germs on it閳?I said

閳ユow do u know all this stuff mommy?閳?br> 閳ユΤell閳?I said in a nervous voice thinking of an answer 閳ユt was on my mommy閳ユ獨 test that I had to take to be a mommy閳?br> 閳ユΖ閳?ok閳?she said spitting it in my hand and we kept on walking 閳ユサ!閳?she shouted 閳ユキ get it閳?if you flunk the test you become a daddy hu?!閳?

Two men were out hunting in the jungle when one fell down all of a sudden. He wasn't breathing or responding. So the other man called Emergency. He told the operator "I think my friend is dead." The operator says in a calming voice "okay, lets make sure he's actually dead." He replies, 'okay'. The operator hears a distance shooting. He comes back on the phone and says. "Okay, I made sure, now what do I do?"....

Jokes......???

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

this is the joke that my 2yr old cousin came up with ramdomly last thanksgiving...

why did the chicken cross the road??

to go golfing!!!!
You want cute....Ok, there's these two snakes hangin n the garden. The little one crawls over to his bud %26amp; ask Are we poison? The other snake says I don't know. Why do you ask? The little snake say Because I just bit my tongue.
Alright here's one for you.....

A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read as follows:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those bastards deducted $95.
Okay 5 guys all late for class. The first 2 come in and the teacher says where have you been you are late for class. Sorry miss we were on cherry hill. The next two come in. Where have you been you are late for class. Sorry miss we were on cherry hill. The last one comes in the teacher ask the same question with and gets the same reply. Then a girl comes in and the teacher ask young lady you are late for class... wait don't tell me you were on cherry hill. No i am CHERRY HILL
A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there,the man passed away.The undertaker told the wife, "You can have him shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150."The wife thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped home.The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried him here and you would spend only $150?"The wife replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.