Jokes jokes and more jokes!?

I need jokes really funny ones and as many as you have best one might win 10 points

Jokes jokes and more jokes!?-Myspace pictures

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

Th e next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how

good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!

NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

Jokes jokes and more jokes!?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?

Oh em gee. What a moron.
Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?

A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other ***** little boys up the ***.

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

A. From a catalogue.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?

A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?

A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?

A. She wants to be the first lady.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?

A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?

A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q. How come Mike Tyson閳ユ獨 eye's water during sex?

A. Mace

Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?

A. She doesn't, she eats out!

Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?

A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?

A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?

A. George Michael's latest release.

Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?

A. Hugh Grant.

Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?

A. A microwave stops when you open the door.

Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?

A. When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.

Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?

A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.

Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?

A. She screamed her hands off.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A. So she can moan with the other.

Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?

A. Her dog was blind too.

Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?

A. Washed her hands with soap.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?

A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?

A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. Boy's underwear half off.

Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"

A. 80% said not again.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?

A. The pool table in the oval office.

Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.

Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?

A. They both throw a ho down.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?

A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Someone in my class told me this.

I'm sorry if you support Bush but............anyways.

Bush was stranded on an island and a genie came to him and said,"You have two wishes. What is your first wish?" Bush said,"I wish I was back in the White House." Poof...He was in the White House. The genie said," What is your second wish?" Then Bush said," I Wish my people were happy." Poof...He was back at the island.

This is a Blond and Brunette joke:

A Brunette goes to this Blond's house. The Brunette walked out in the backyard and saw the Blond's dog. She walk back in the house and says,"why is your dog wearing a watch?" The blond answers back," It has to wear a watch. Its a watchdog."
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up ... you're next!"

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.

Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A blonde gets on a elevator and a man is standing there and she turned and smiled at him and said; "Hi.....T.G.I.F." " S.H.I.T. " replied the man "Excuse me...how rude T.G.I.F." responded the blonde "S.H.I.T." replied that man "Maybe you don't know what I am saying, T.G.I.F means Thank Goodness It's Friday!" " You didn't understand me, S.H.I.T ....."Sorry honey, it's Thursday

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!"

Why To Date A Baseball Player:

1.We have great hands...

2.We're used to scoring no matter what base we're on...

3.We have tremendous endurance...

4. We always use a glove...

5.We don't stop until the job is done, and there is always extra innings...

6.We never strike out...

7.We like to touch everybase carefully...

8.We know how to use our wooden bat...

9.We don't mind diving face first into the grass...

10.We slide into home really hard...

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear

"the rules"

from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1 Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,

we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what

we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

Fat

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so fat she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo mommas so fat that she has to wear two watches cuz she takes up two time zones.

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so fat she was in the middle of the highway I tried to swerve but ran out of gas.

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so fat she started singing "we are family, McDonalds, Burger King and me.

Yo mommas so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so fat when she put on high-heels and walked out onto the street, she struck oil!

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so fat that when she was floatin' in the ocean Spain tried to claim her as the new world.

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so fat when she jumped on a trampoline with yellow on, the sun said I give up!

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so fat when she went to the beach and got into the water scientist classified her as a new species of whale.

Yo momma's so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo momma's so fat she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, and Chicago, NY.

Yo momma's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn".

Yo momma's so fat that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"

Yo momma's so fat when I took her to the beach, little kids surrounded her and chanted "Free Willy, Free Willy"!

Yo momma's so fat she gets clothes in three sizes: extra fat, jumbo, and ohmygodit'scomingtowardsus!

Yo momma閳ユ獨 *** is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for having 20 lbs. of crack

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so fat that when she fell no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so fat that when she stood up everyone yelled out "eclipse"!

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat *** out of the way.

Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she was an oil spill.

Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.

Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall!

Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.

Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits.

Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.

Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters

Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial.

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat.

Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet.

Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on.

Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozone layer.

Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her.

Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.

Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"

Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code

Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back and said "I'll wait my turn."

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the whales started singing "We are family!"

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back and said "I'll wait my turn."

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the whales started singing "We are family!"

Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came %26amp; said "Break it up!"

Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food she ate it.

Yo momma so fat she don't sit in the house, she sits around the house.

Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

--------------------------------------...

stupid

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so stupid, she makes blondes look smart.

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so stupid I told her I was going to get her Tommy HILL figure and she told me she already tried to lose weight.

Yo momma's so stupid, that she got fired from the M%26amp;M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Yo momma閳ユ獨 so stupid she called the cocaine hotline to order some.

Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911?"

Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.

Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.

Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."

Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went and got toilet paper.

Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.

Yo mama so stupid that when she took the Pepsi challenge she chose Jiff

Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she thought Boys II Men was a day care center.

--------------------------------------...

ugly

Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night.

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit.

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow ran away from her.

Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry.

Yo mama's so ugly, she makes onions cry.

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

--------------------------------------...

old

Yo momma so old she knew burger king when he was a prince

Yo momma so old she has an autographed bible

Yo momma old she knew the dead ocean when it was sick

Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the ***** died

Yo mama's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book.

Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda.

Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class

--------------------------------------...

skinny

Yo momma so skinny you can see her farts

Yo mama's so skinny, I could blind-fold her with dental floss.

Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch.

Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.

Yo mama's so skinny, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.

Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.

Yo mama's so skinny, she can see out the peephole with both eyes.

Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.

Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Yo mama's so skinny, she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.

Yo mama's so skinny, her pants have one belt loop.

Yo mama's so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.

Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.

Yo mama's so skinny, she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant.

Yo mama's so skinny, she uses Chapstick for deodorant.
A man is diagnosed with cancer and goes home to tell his wife. she cries and then says since this is your last night with me i will do ne thing you want. the man responds i want to make love to u one more time. so they go in the bedroom and have the best sex they have ever had in all their years of marriage. after several hours she falls asleep but is awakened shorly by her husband . she says what is it hunni he responds i wnat to do it just one more time before i go. his wife then says well thats easy for u to say mike, you dont have to go to work in the morning
A pirate walks into a bar. As he sits down to order a drink, the bartender notices a steering wheel sticking out of the pirate's trousers. He asks the pirate, "Did you know you have a steering wheel in your pantaloons?" The pirate responds, "Arrgh, I know. It's drivin' me nuts!"
two hunters, John and Fred camping in the wild.

all of a sudden they spot a bear running towards them all teeth and fury, John quickly reaches in his bag and grabs his sneakers.

Fred says "don't be mad, everyone knows you can't outrun a bear".

to which John replies "I'm not trying to outrun the bear !".

think about it dimwit.
A blonde, A burnette %26amp; a redhead go into the bar. They sit down and have a few drinks they ask if they can use the restroom. The barkeep says sure, but beware the magical mirror. If you state something thats true you will be rewarded. If you state something untrue you will get sucked into the mirror.

The burnette goes in first she looks into the mirror and says shes the smartest girl in the bar. She is rewarded with a brand new computer. The redheaad goes in next and says that she has the prettiest hair in the bar. she is rewarded with a brand new car. Finally the blonde goes in and says to the mirror I think.... and POOF shes sucked into the mirror.

Okay this one is really gross.....

A guy goes into a bar and asks for 5 shots of vodka straight up. The barkeep lines them up in front of him and he pounds each one. The barkeep asks whats the occasion? The guy answered first bj. The barkeep says congrats. The guy says thanks, I didn't think Id ever get the taste out of my mouth.

An ape goes into a bar, sits down and asks for a beer. The barkeep is just amazed and gets the ape his drink. The ape says thank you and hands him a $20. The barkeep wants to see just how smart this ape is and hands him $1 as change. Making smalltalk the barkeep says we don't get many apes in here. The ape says @ $19.00 a drink he isn't surprised.
there are 2 coins that =30 cents but one is not a nickle what is the other coin? a quarter

god was making gingerbread cookies 1 day and he put the first batch in the oven then he took them out they were white and doughy the secound batch goes in then he takes them out they're all burnt and then the third batch goes in then comes out and they are all perfect. white and doughy= white burnt=black perfect=mexican
A young man is waiting to purchase a train ticket. As he comes up to the window, where the ticket seller is a very well endowed woman, he says, "I'd like a ticket to Titsburgh... I mean Pittburgh." He is terribly embarrassed. The man behind hims pats him on the shoulder and tells him, "Son, it happens to everybody. Heck just the other night I meant to tell my wife, 'Please pass the salt', and out came, 'You've ruined my life, you goddam *****'."
God and the Harley Davidson Inventor

Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Read this out loud until you figure it out. Then, make someone else do the same for you. Make sure you aren't at work or school, though.

Eye em we Todd did.

Eye em sofa king.

We Todd did.