Funny jokes contest !!!?

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P.S. jokesgalore.com has really funny jokes

Funny jokes contest !!!?-Myspace pictures

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted (a salted). lol

Funny jokes contest !!!?

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Here is part of a bit I did at a comedy club. I wrote it all as part of my final exam for a comedy class:

I used to work at Wall Mart, but I got fired for molesting a Barbie Doll.

Would you believe the boss actually had the nerve to call me a pervert!

I said, "No, I am not a pervert. I just always have to think about sex!

after that I worked at a gas station. I saw some real idiots here.

One ugly lady came in driving a new Cadillac with a sticker saying she graduated from Harvard.

I thought, "Maybe she has a brain."

But she said,"Excuse me! Do you work here?"

I hate ugly rich ladies. So I said, "Nope, I just enjoy wearing a Citgo shirt and walking around the pumps all day!"

She said, " Oh OK, this 1.35 here above the pump, is that supposed to mean some thing?"

I thought, "Oh gosh, what an idiot!"

But I did not want to be rude, so I did not say that.

Instead, I said, "From the looks of you lady, I'd say it is either your IQ or your bra size!"

She tried not to laugh as she put the nozzle in her car.

Then she yelled out to me, "Excuse me? How do I turn the pumps on?"

I said, "Why don't you try taking your shirt off! Second thought don't bother! You might make me sick!"

She said, "Whys that?"

I told her, "Lady, you are so ugly you couldn't even turn on a pervert!"

Then her poodle jumped up from the back seat and said, "You think you have it bad, every nite I have to see her naked!"
A fly was marching up and down a dog turd eating and dumping, when suddenly another fly arrives ' hello buzzy where have you been? , I have not seen you for ages!'

The second fly says ' I have been on the sick'
#1This guy bought this house he used the bathroom it clogged up. He went in the other room to get a plunger. he heard " I hope this log don't roll over or we'll be dead" He sold the house!! Someone else heard that noise.So he lifted up the toliet lid washed his hands looked in the toliet there was 3 flies sitting on a turd saying " I hope this log won't fall over or we'll be dead"

Here's another one #2 This room was haunted and this guy went to stay at the hotel the room was in. They told him they were full cept for that room He said he wasn't scared of Ghosts. So that night he went to sleep in that room. He heard knocking fromthe light the closet. He turned the lights on!Then all of a sudden the door busts open and there is a bloody hand cut off @ the wrist and you could hear chants saying Bloody hand Bloody Hand. The man started screaming didn't even pack his things. Just got up and left! That happened twice more. Then this hippie guy got stuck in that room. He was playing guitar. He played and started singing and did that for a while. Then he hears knocking, but he doesn't quit don't play the guitar or singing.Then the closet door opens the bloody hand comes out and you hear the chanting bloody hand. The hippie pays no mind. Then as the hand slowly approaches it gets louder and louder. The hippie is still playing then all of a sudden the hippie quits and looks @ the hand the hands the hippies worst enemy and yells "Get a Band-aid Dude!"
On christmas eve a little boy was praying and yelled, " I wish for a bike, i wish for a bike, i wish for a bike. His brother said "you don't have to yell, god isn't deaf." and his brother said back, "I know but grandma is."
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.

this next one isnt for the kids.

So there's this business man and his sexually active wife. So one day the man has to leave town for about a week on business. He knows his wife can't wait that long... So the man goes to the "Toy" store to find a "Toy". He looks around and finds nothing that he thinks will work. He asks the cashier if they have anything else. The cashier replies, "Well...Their is the Voodoo Penis" The husband asks to see it. The cashier takes out an old wooden box and inside is a regular looking dildo. The husband asks whats so special about it. The cashier then says "Voodoo penis...doorknob." The voodoo penis floats over to the door and starts reaming the key hole. As the door is about to break the cashier says "Voodoo penis return." The husband is pleased with this and takes it home to his wife. He explains that all she has to say is "Voodoo penis...my crotch." A few days later after the husband has left the wife is in the mood. She say's the words and the voodoo penis responds as expected...It goes on for a while and then she realizes she doesn't know how to turn it off...She tries to drive to the hospital, but on the way she has an orgasm and swerves all over the road. A cop pulls her over and asks if she's been drinking. She tries to explane, "You see i have this voodoo penis and it just won't stop." To this the cop replies, "Voodoo penis my ***."
this is a blonde joke jsut to let you know;

so one day a blnde kept checking her mail box constantly. in and out and in and out. so finanly her neighbor goes.. are you waiting for something important in the mail? and the blonde goes no. my computer jsut keeps saying that i got mail!

^hhaha. i craked up the first time i heard it. hope you like it!

p.s. i made it up! =ppp
Why did the mexican steal the cabbage patch doll...?

Because they come with birth certificates!
two potatoes were standing on a corner, one was a prostitute you know how I know one was a prostiute? because she had id a ho written on her
3 people our talking there all men one is a lawyer the one is a tax collector and the third is a doctor there all a bout to get on a plane

while they were talking the doctor say a mosquito and he said look a blood-sucking parasite the 2 men said were and the doctor pointed to the tax collector