Any jokes that are ACTUALLY funny?

Does anyone have jokes that will actually make you laugh out loud? I need new, funny jokes please! No specific jokes, it can be anything as long as it's hilarious! Thanks!

Any jokes that are ACTUALLY funny?-Myspace pictures

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle?

Or the one about the blonde who asked the barman for a double entendre so he gave her one?

Any jokes that are ACTUALLY funny?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

-Hope this helps! : )
A Man Tried to Poo in the toilet but he tried hard that his face turned purple then takes a 5 second break and tries hard and its red den while he is tryin his head comes of and comes of the toilet seat and falls on the ground and the poo jumps into the toilet.
ok this one is called "annoying boy on bus".

This boy gets on a city bus and starts saying things like "if my dad was bull and my mom was a cow, id be a little bull"..the bus driver is getting annoyed. The boy continues "if my mom was an elephant then id be a little elephant"..the bus driver is really getting annoyed and mad and turns around and asks the boy, "Well what if your dad was a whore and your mom was a prostitute?" the boy replies,"Id be a bus driver."

LOL..i thought it was funny..hope u liked it
there is 3 people named poop manner and shut up well there in a car and poop falls out the window and manner gets out to help him up , mean while shut up is waitting for them to come back and then shut up see's a cop the cop says hey sir whats your name he says shut up then the cop says no really whats your name he says shut up! then the cop says kid where is your manners? he says over there picking up poop! lol this is funny
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15

years. He breaks into a house to look for money and

guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair,

while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her,

kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the

bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his

wife:Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his

clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and

hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your

neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,

do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how

much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very

dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong,

honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any

vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.
This joke made me laugh out loud.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager,

"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth,

he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.

I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John,came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Never better"

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

'Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, "Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
okay so theres a little boy and its thanksgiving

hes bored so he goes around the house

first he goes to his sis's room and she fighitng with her bf then she screams "b@sterd!"

the litte boy says whats that and she says its a new hat

so then he goes to his bros room and hes fighting with his grilfriend he then yells "B*tch!"

the little boy says whats that and he sasy its a new type of coat

the boy goes to his dads room and hes shaving he cuts himself and says "Sh*t!"

the boy says whats that and the dad says its a new type of shaving cream

then the boy goes to his mom and shes carving the turkey she carves its leg of and she screams "F*ck!"

the boy says whts that and she says its a new way to carve the turkey

so then the guests arrive and the boy answers the door and says "hi ill take your b*tches and your B@sterds. my dads upstairs wiping the SH*T off his face and my moms F*cking the turkey"

; )
this guy is having a tough time taking a crap. His girlfriend walks into the house, sees the lights on and switches them off just about she is about to leave. At that moment, one plooper pops out of the guy and he screams!! The girl comes running, switches on the light and asks him wats wrong, to which he replies, 'You had me scared for a second. I thought I had popped my eyes out!!'
Who is the smarter sex?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad

one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly

neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars,

the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a

woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but

fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that

we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for

the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And

look at this, here's another miracle. My car is

completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good

fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head

in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle

and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the

bottle, immediately puts the cork back

in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
this made me laugh the first time i heard it but its not a joke

+-------------- Bizarre Driving Test Answers --------------+

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the

California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the

road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-

way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper

sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could

no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being

passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic

light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics
i hav read some most funniest jokes here so u can

why do boys visit temple

cause they can meet

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